“Behold, I stand at the door [of the church] and continually knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him (restore him), and he with Me.” (Revelation. 3:20 Amplified Bible)
Through the sadness of a friend struggling with the same issue (in disguise) I came to understand the restlessness in my soul.
For some time I’d known I was running from Him. It didn’t look like it on the outside; I was doing all the “right” things. I didn’t know exactly why or what the problem was, but I was working overtime to avoid finding out, avoiding Him. When I should have been quietly fellowshipping with Jesus, seeking to understand the restlessness, I chose to read novels. (Very good books, but not what I was being called to do.)
I am reminded that being a “prodigal” doesn’t necessarily mean physically running away and “doing your own thing.” Being a prodigal is what we do whenever we ignore the Lord, when we choose the “good thing” over the better thing we are asked to do.
The expression “deep calls to deep” kept running through my mind. To me it means Jesus’ deep, fathomless love was (and is) calling to the deepest part of my soul, patiently, lovingly, persistently.
Two days after the conversation with my friend I woke up (literally and figuratively) and chose to answer Him. I had been running because I was afraid; I was afraid to fully surrender myself to Jesus, to climb off the throne of my heart and give the entire space to Him. I was afraid of the cost: how much of what I want would I have to sacrifice in response to His call to go deeper?
Sitting here now I realize Jesus gave up everything just so I could hear Him call. How strong and selfish is my streak of independence! And how blind. Once the crevasse is traversed, the struggle ceases; there is only a deep and quiet peace.
Thank You, Lord, for not giving up on me.